Mike Leach’s best quotes and one-liners, from Bigfoot to Halloween candy corn

Mississippi State football coach Mike Leach was known for the Air Raid on the field and his colorful personality off the field.

It has led to many, many, many legendary quotes and soliloquys over his coaching career. A major college football coach gets a lot of time in front of the media, and few utilized it like Leach did over more than two decades.

Leach, 61, was airlifted to the University of Mississippi Medical Center in Jackson after suffering a heart attack at his home on Sunday and died Monday night. An outpouring of support from all corners of the college sports world followed his hospitalization, from fellow SEC coaches to former players and administrators.

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To cover all of his greatest quotes would take thousands of words. Here are eight golden quotes from Leach in front of a microphone:

On gun ownership and Viking axes

Leach, a gun owner, has commented on multiple occasions about enforcing gun laws. He told 750 AM in Portland, Oregon, in 2015 that new gun owners should “show a level of competence and get a license before you’re allowed to operate something that’s dangerous.”

Leach also said that he keeps his guns locked up and separate from ammunition. That led to a discussion of Viking axes.

“Because if you think about it carefully, statistically, you’re more likely to shoot yourself, a loved one or a relative,” he said. “There’s this (absurd) notion of ‘If you come in my house I’ll shoot ya.’ I do have a Viking axe by the bed if I need to whack someone. … My wife bought me a Viking axe – the axe side curls down so you can grab the adversary around the neck and you can use it to climb walls, as a grappling hook.”

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On the Pac-12 mascots

In 2019 while at Washington State, Leach considered which Pac-12 mascot would win in a battle royal.

• Arizona: “I’m going to say the Wildcat is out.”

• USC: “The Trojan, does he have a horse or is he on foot? Does he have a bow and arrow or just his sword?”

• UCLA: “The Bruin, definitely formidable.”

• Cal: “Another bear up at Cal.”

• Stanford: “The tree, I bet that tree is going to get chopped down. Unless we’re going to go with a bird and somebody might get pecked or something, I don’t know.”

• Oregon: “The Duck might lose interest and just fly away and get out of there, which may be good advice under the circumstances.”

• Washington: “The Husky, no chance.”

• Oregon State: “The Beaver, we’ll see how long that beaver can hold its breath.”

• Utah: “The Ute, we’re back to — is he on horseback? Does he have a bow and arrow? Did he trade for a rifle? Because if that Ute has a rifle, there’s some definite problems.”

• Arizona State: “You’d have to get one of those Harry Potter activists to read up on how you kill a Sun Devil, because there’s a lot of outside stuff there.”

• Colorado: “Just as far as a beast alone, a Buffalo is going to be pretty hard to tangle with.”

• Washington State: “Butch (The Cougar) is going to have to be clear-minded and crafty. Butch will find a way, no question.”

It appears Leach would favor the Buffalo, a Sun Devil and a Ute in a mascot-fueled Royal Rumble on the west coast.

‘Fat little girlfriends’

Leach has used the term “fat little girlfriends” as recently as last month following the Bulldogs’ narrow win vs. Auburn. The origin, at least publicly, came from a 2009 loss to Texas A&M, which followed blowout wins over Kansas State and No. 15 Nebraska.

“As coaches, we failed to get through to them,” Leach said. “As coaches, we failed to make our coaching points more compelling than their fat little girlfriends. Now, their fat little girlfriends have some obvious advantages. For one thing, their fat little girlfriends are telling them what they want to hear, which is how great you are and how easy its going to be … and we had a bunch of people who wanted to win the football game but nobody wanted to play the football game.”

Candy corn and other seasonal foods

Leach, then at Washington State, said during a Halloween 2017 event that his favorite candy was grape Red Vines. He was then asked by a media member about candy corn and did not hold back.

“I’ve never liked candy corn. I think it’s just awful,” Leach said as documented by Pac-12 Network cameras. “I think candy corn is awful. You know, it’s like fruitcake. There’s a reason they serve fruitcake once a year, because it’s awful. There’s a reason they only serve mint julips once a year, because they’re awful. And there’s a reason they only serve candy corn once a year, because it’s awful. Now that does beg the question why they serve it at all, but, anyway, that’s my opinion.”

Leach had a point about some seasonal treats. If candy corn, candy canes, Sweethearts candy and other things were so good, why wouldn’t people eat more of them all the time?

Leach the meteorologist

The six-minute clip of Leach’s weather report debut in Lubbock during his time as Texas Tech coach is worth a watch.

The most notable quote from it might be this one: “My favorite weather pattern happens to be when it rains mud. Dust comes through, rain on top of it, and it rains mud. Now, I know that people that have been here for a while don’t like that particular phenomenon as well as I do. But think about it: How many times in your life are you actually going to see it rain mud?”

Bigfoot and aliens

While at Washington State in 2017, Leach offered his Bigfoot opinions during a media availability.

“We found bones of dinosaurs and everything else, but we haven’t found bones that I’ve heard of, of Bigfoot,” Leach said. “It would be fun if there’s Bigfoot. I hope there’s Bigfoot. But my guess would be there’s not.”

And aliens?

“Aliens, I suspect there is,” Leach said. “And I don’t know that they are little green men and don’t know if they are specifically in our galaxy.

“To me, it’s always been naïve. On Earth, they say, ‘We’re the only ones.’ Really? Why? Have you been to the other planets? Have you checked out the other planets? I mean, to me it makes more sense that if it happened here, it happened somewhere else than it does that it only happened here.”

Leach’s pet racoon, Bilbo Baggins

Leach wrote a long piece for The Players Tribune in 2017 about five non-football topics, starting with his time as a kid with his pet raccoon, Bilbo Baggins, named after the protagonist in “The Hobbit.”

Bilbo got along with most humans and other pets, though he also got into the pots and pans in the kitchen a lot, Leach said. The money story came at the end.

“One night, Bilbo got particularly feisty, so my dad and I drove him out to woods,” Leach wrote. “Once we found a good spot, we stopped and I put him on the ground and took his collar off. He kind of ambled about, taking in the new surroundings. I preface this next part by saying I do think humans and animals share an unspoken understanding, to some extent. That’s why it’s so easy to bond with pets. So this is how I remember saying goodbye to Bilbo: He wandered 10 yards away or so from the truck, and then he turned and looked at us and kind of had this expression like, ‘It was nice knowing ya.’ It was this moment where like, both I knew and he knew that we’d had some good times, but this was it.”

Leach on eloping vs. a wedding

Leach has had a couple soliloquys about weddings and eloping, with his most recent comments coming in October after a Mississippi State win in response to SEC Network sideline reporter Alyssa Lang, who said she was planning a wedding.

“We’ll keep a close eye on it, but whatever you and Trevor decide, I would kind of keep it on the down low, which you failed to do that,” Leach said. “Trevor was probably planning to, but you didn’t, so go ahead and don’t say anything else about it, but as soon as the season’s over, or even an off week, go elope. Trust me on that. Go elope, because basically every female in the family is gonna terrorize you guys until it’s over. Once it’s over, I mean, they’ll be upset for a few days, but it’ll be over and then you can cruise along and have a happy marriage, have a happy life.”

Lang tried to end the interview there. Leach wasn’t done.

“Trevor, unless he’s crazy, is totally on my side,” Leach said. “Trust me on this. If Trevor doesn’t have the sense to do that, tell him to call me. I’ve told all my kids, ‘I’ll give you $10,000 extra if you elope.’ So far, they haven’t done it, but I would, too.”

There were so many fascinating quotes from Leach, too many to count. The list halts here, but Leach’s comments about goths, dating advice, weather patterns in different parts of the country, the Texas A&M Aggies, pirates, the Chicago Cubs, the need to expand the college football postseason and so much more are all worth looking up.

This article originally appeared on Mississippi Clarion Ledger: Mike Leach’s best quotes and one-liners, from Bigfoot to candy corn

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